Life Isn't What I Expected As I Got Older
What The Hell Did I do Wrong?
I grew up in a little country town and being a teenager there was not much to do, but drive around and get into trouble. I couldn't wait to be a grown-up and move away.
When I did get that opportunity, I was already knocked up and I didn't have my grade 12 until my first child was two years old, then I got to finish and I ended up getting divorced by then and later finding out that my spouse had another woman and a child on the side.
I came out to the big city to have a better start at life, and it sure took me by the booboo. I met someone while in school and he was working for himself doing autobody work. The jerk, who passed on now, sweet-talked me and told me everything that I wanted to hear. Made me believe he was everything I ever wanted.
Ended up that he was a criminal and took me down that road of crime for about 5 to 6 years. Wanted by the police and without my children. They were with my parents. I called them and told them that the kids had to stay there with them for a bit and I had to leave for a while. Didn't give much of a reason, was never in trouble like this before, and in a way it was exciting.
But I wanted my children safe, and that's where they stayed for about 10 years. In the meantime, crime doesn't pay and I had to do some time behind the bars; all for love. I thought anyways. While there, my lawyer meets me and shows me a signed statement from my loving spouse who wrote a 6-page statement on me and painted a really bright picture for the police.
At the time I was incarcerated, my spouse wasn't caught yet, but he got caught after I was in for about 4 weeks. The reason my lawyer came and showed me that statement was because the love of my life was caught with another woman who told the police she was me. See the issue?
The police came to arrest me, but when they realized I was already behind bars, that's when the lawyer came to see me.
Nice hey? After I did my time and I was released, I got picked up and taken home; my parent's place, and I spent a year with my kids. Trying to fix things. When I had enough money I moved to the city; Edmonton Alberta. I had my oldest daughter, but my younger son wouldn't come. He wanted to stay.
Since then, we've been here for over 13 years now. I have never gotten involved with doing crime or anything stupid again. I had met a few losers on my journey and nothing ever good came out of the deal. I do have 4 wonderful children though, so something good did happen. My life has been a rough scene, I have seen things, met really bad people, met really awesome people, been places, experienced so many things good and bad. All lessons learned in life.
I am single, I don't mind it at all. I do sometimes miss being with someone, but like I tell my friends, "Unless they're like Zeus, there is no way they can be with me". Makes me shallow? Makes me selfish? Makes me very cautious and tired of the bullshit when a man walks into my life.
After everything I had experienced and been put through, I think I get to make that choice who I want to be with? I deserve that much? And I've stuck to my guns ever since. It's been like 5 years now since I was sexual with someone. I think about all the pleasure I'm missing, but then I think about all the pleasure from my Zeus if I didn't wait for him to come along. I will wait forever if I had to until that day comes.
I love my children, and I love our furry friends, and I love myself. I might not be where I planned but I do have a lot with so little. I've come so far, and I am not someone who will give up and listen to others tell me how to live my life. Not ever going to happen.
I will do what I have to just to survive and protect my children. I think all moms would agree with me there? I did what I thought would benefit myself and my children at the time, and that things would be fine. Nobody ever got hurt. Just me really. I lost everything, and then gained it all back and then some. I have more awareness and knowledge of the things that kept me alive and sane when there was nobody around.
I'm proud of being me, and this is a short summary of who I am.
Such a foolish child I was back then, but what a super mom I am now.